|By way of community service, Fleur does your horoscopes for 2007
||[Jan. 12th, 2007|05:05 pm]
Aries: March 21- April 19
This is a year of beginnings. The stars are in your favour when it comes to starting up an exciting and possibly addictive new hobby. Try nicotine, alcohol, LSD, sex without commitment and World of Warcraft. This is your year!
Taurus: April 20- May 20
Famous people will flirt with you on Melbourne Cup day. You won't be able to avoid it.
Gemini: May 21- June 21
This is a year of reflection for the Gemini. Dwelling of the past is a natural and healthy way to deal with current trauma. Try googling your exes. Make up a dozen new email addresses and harass them with emails such as the following:
was thinking of you the other night. We sure had some good times. I've been experiencing some difficulties passing urine and have been advised to take a variety of STD tests. It is probably nothing serious but you might want to get it looked at too.
Be sure to use a variety of embarrassing pet names.
Cancer: June 22- July 22
Wear sunscreen or you will die.
Leo: July 23-August 22
This is your lucky year, when it comes to relationships. You will be unstoppable in the dating arena. Pre-marital sex is also in.
Virgo: August 23- September 22
This is a year for confronting your problems head on. The stars say that, in the case of persistent door-to-door salesmen, violence is okay.
Libra: September 23- October 22
Ahh, Libra, Libra. I'm afraid that this year you will find your aura cluttered and untidy. Your life shall become chaotic and fractured and you will have a hard time locating your car keys. All I can really recommend to guide you through this troubled time is drink lots of water, meditate and maintain a strict level of personal hygiene.
Scorpio: October 23- November 21
Your enthusiasm and creativity will not go unnoticed this year. Business opportunities are looking up. Take a video camera, a good pal, candle wax and go for it!
Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
No matter how witty it may seem at the time, never use potentially offensive terms to describe mentally disabled people, even amongst your friends. It is unnecessary at the best of times but this year the stars have conspired to make your timing horrendous. There will always be some poor child in a wheelchair or a woman with a cane within hearing distance. It just won't work. Believe me.
Capricorn: December 22- January 19
The stars hint that this will be a year of water shortages. For the Capricorn, bathing standing in a bucket to collect excess grey water is advised. If you are already doing this, it is time to upgrade to washing out of a bucket. In this manner you can reduce your water usage from 70-150 litres per wash to 8-14 litres. You will be sweet smelling, feel virtuous and have something to brag about to your greeny friends.
Aquarius: January 20-Febuary 18
Your love life could do with a dramatic shake up. You know it and so do the stars. Try uniforms.
Pisces: February 19-March 20
Style-wise, this is your year. Where you go, others will follow. This kind of responsibility can be difficult to bare at times. When setting the style this season, please remember, for my sakes if nothing else, just how under rated the stocking is.